Road to Somewhere

Heal Me, a Playlist for My Soul.
I discovered late Friday afternoon, that the anonymous poster to my post, Catching Up, was in fact the oft mentioned MB herself. After realizing that no one else I know uses the word 'prattle', I went to my stat counter page and saw that the post had indeed been created from her mac. I was sad and furious. There had been an agreement months ago that we both knew that the other one kept a blog, but we would not search them out, in order to preserve the other's privacy. This agreement was completly disregarded and violated.

I left work a bit early and rode home in silence on the train. I still had my walkman, and it was loaded with an excellent Xavier Rudd show, but I did not listen to it. I sat with the headphones in. My head covered with one of my skull caps that I got teaching snowbaording in NC, and my hood up from my sweatshirt. I thought of what to say to her, how to tell her I knew what she had done, how to express how violated I felt. I had no idea. I thought maybe I would think about it overnight.

She was there when I got home. Before I even got my shoes off she told me that she had something she had to tell me. I knew what was coming. Whether she was really that overcome by guilt, or she realized that I would eventually find out, she immeadiately confessed to the whole thing. She cried. I was still angry, but she used the crying weapon. I sat and thought. I comforted her a bit, as I tried to distiguish my own feelings at that moment. It is amazing that my fury was never released or displayed, yet I felt guilty while watching her cry. I think seeing a woman cry can be one of the most helpless and confusing feelings a man can have. It is a gutteral reaction that I sometimes wish I did not have.

Later that night I had my show with Charlie Don't Surf. I couldn't seem to shake that feeling of emptiness and confusion. It was like I was there, but my mind stayed at home in that chair trying to figure out how I felt. The show went well, not great, but it was definately good for our first show in a while. I had very little to do with any of the scenes, but I did have the very last line of the show. It got a few laughs, and I felt that I had contributed at the last possible chance, but at least I hadn't stood frozen the entire time. A lesson? Maybe.

BTW- I am not going to stop being open and honest about my feelings and frustrations about MB here. She has seen the results of violating our trust, and if she decides to do it again, she will probably find more things here that she doesn't really want to read. I really hope that she was truly sorry and will never read this. In any case, I am going to remain open and honest here, for myself, because that is really who I keep this journal for.