Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Blah Blues
It seems I have fallen victim to a bit of ealry winter depression. Things with MB are still going great, so the fact that I haven't been able to shake these downtrodden feelings kinda upsets me.
The two main struggles, my mother and my debt, are not new things to me. So, why they would overcome me now doesn't make much sense to me. Although, they were sort of combined when my mother offered to help me get out of debt.
Near the end of the discusions of how she could help, she suddenly decided that we can't seem to communicate. At which point she employed her second ex-husband, Phil(God bless him, cause he still loves her.), to call me and try to mediate. I still can't seem to figure out how it started with me calling her for help, and ended with her being the victim again. Maybe our relationship is truly doomed.
Everytime I talk to her she mentions how bad of a father my dad has been by allowing me to get in debt and not forcing me to visit my mother more in Florida. She may or may not be right, probably not, but regardless our relationship should be about us, and not about how she hates my dad. I understand that he hurt her very very bad, but that was over ten years ago. Maybe she will never get over the pain, but allowing it to destroy our relatioship is what really hurts. She also knows that I love my father very much, and her speaking ill of him gets her absolutely friggin' nowhere with me.
So, all of this wieghs heavily on my mind every minute I have been awake recently. I guess having serious debt problems, and pondering the future of my relationship with my mom are pretty serious things. I don't want to be sad right now though. I really don't.
I want to be happy about dating someone new and excitiing. I want to be happy about going to see my dad's sister for Thanksgiving. I want to be happy about having awesome friends like Drew, KtK, Sarah, BnG, Leslie, and Andrew. I want to be happy about seeing good music. I want to be happy about performing on the ImprovOlympic stage. I want to be happy to have at least one parent who loves me unconditionally. So, I will be starting now. No? Okay... now? Damnit.
The two main struggles, my mother and my debt, are not new things to me. So, why they would overcome me now doesn't make much sense to me. Although, they were sort of combined when my mother offered to help me get out of debt.
Near the end of the discusions of how she could help, she suddenly decided that we can't seem to communicate. At which point she employed her second ex-husband, Phil(God bless him, cause he still loves her.), to call me and try to mediate. I still can't seem to figure out how it started with me calling her for help, and ended with her being the victim again. Maybe our relationship is truly doomed.
Everytime I talk to her she mentions how bad of a father my dad has been by allowing me to get in debt and not forcing me to visit my mother more in Florida. She may or may not be right, probably not, but regardless our relationship should be about us, and not about how she hates my dad. I understand that he hurt her very very bad, but that was over ten years ago. Maybe she will never get over the pain, but allowing it to destroy our relatioship is what really hurts. She also knows that I love my father very much, and her speaking ill of him gets her absolutely friggin' nowhere with me.
So, all of this wieghs heavily on my mind every minute I have been awake recently. I guess having serious debt problems, and pondering the future of my relationship with my mom are pretty serious things. I don't want to be sad right now though. I really don't.
I want to be happy about dating someone new and excitiing. I want to be happy about going to see my dad's sister for Thanksgiving. I want to be happy about having awesome friends like Drew, KtK, Sarah, BnG, Leslie, and Andrew. I want to be happy about seeing good music. I want to be happy about performing on the ImprovOlympic stage. I want to be happy to have at least one parent who loves me unconditionally. So, I will be starting now. No? Okay... now? Damnit.
// posted by Justin @ 10:41 AM 
