Road to Somewhere

The weekend has left me reeling. Not neccessarily in a bad way, but reeling none the less.
Drew arrived a bit earlier than anticipated on Friday. He met up with Todd and they came over to my apartment. We left alittle early to head down to the area where my show was. We went to get a beer before the show, but Drew is one of those friends that gives you a buzz the first time you see them after being apart for awhile. Don't get me wrong, I drank a Stella. I was just in the giddy, chatty, hyper mode long before any alcohol was into my system.
The show was a success. Not our best, but certainly not our worst. It had some funny moments, and I was even in a few of them! That was awesome, especially since at least eight of the audience members where people I had invited.
Afterwards, Drew, Todd, Sarah, Rich, and I went to a bar within walking distance of my apartment. We stayed out late, but never noticed the time. Being there, surrounded by some of my best friends, I felt as happy as I have in a very long time.
We all went out again on Saturday night. Drew stayed until Sunday afternoon, and even then he made no haste in his departure.
They'll never understand how much this weekend meant for me.
I had excepted it awhile back that I had to leave this place, and the art that I have pursued here. Having them here to witness one of my last shows though, really helped me to find a much greater value in this entire experience.

I know most of you who come here read my posts more than listen to my playlists. Starting today I will no longer be posting playlists here routinely. You can now find my playlists listed on the Rhapsody Radish. It is an excellent site, and now its bound to get even better! Check out my playlist I posted there today all about trains, if you are intrested.

I am getting pretty excited about having Drew come up and visit tonight. I think he, Sarah and Todd are planning on coming to my show. I hope that my improv show at the skybox goes really well tonight, cause I have done some of my best improv with Drew and Sarah.

I almost won a snowbaord last night in the same bar that I won the Cake tickets in. It was won by a woman who looked like she would probably never use it. I was almost more sad for the board than for myself. It deserves better. I could have made it happy.

Songs that Hop, Skip, and Jump
It is almost February and I have yet to strap a single boot onto my beautiful snowbaord. She sits and waits patiently in the corner. Her bag covers her view of the window, so as not to tease her with a view of the deep snow outside. I yearn for our passionate sessions. Wether it is the swish of soft powder, the grinding of an edge into an icy slope, the plop of my board as it lands, or the ratcheting of my bindings, I miss the peace I find in these moments. Truly nothing can take its place.
Last night I dreamed I was at the mountain. I ket trying to make my way over to the lift, but everytime I was met by someone or something impedeing my process. I talked to old friends, I rushed in to wait tables at the Beech Tree, I even went and got my board tuned. I just couldn't seem to make it to the one place I was truly headed.

The good news is, I just got off the phone with Drew, and he is planning on driving up tommorrow to see my show at the skybox. I hadn't told him about MB, but I think he must have sensed a disturbance in the force. I will be glad to see him.

Man's Greatest Fear

Artists with States in Their Names

I find myself in a rather good mood today. I have no reason for being this way. It is nice though.

I talked a bit more with MB yesterday and last night. I don't agree with her descion, but I understand that she believes what she says. I have to respect her for at least trying to explain it to me. It is much more considerate than when that evil hussy Mandy broke up with me in late summer. I think MB and I will remain friends, even if we don't get back together. That is a good feeling, cause she has also become a good friend.

Drew and I were discussing 24 last night before the new episode. It was brought up that all of the terrorists in this season's series are muslim arabs. He seemed to think they were just portraying reality. I heard his roomate, John, chime in the background, "Not all Arabs are terrorists, but all terrorists do happen to be muslim!". First of all I never realized that those guys who bombed the Oklahoma federal building were muslim(they weren't/aren't). And what about those guys who mailed out the anthrax? Second, it took all I could do not to point out that I don't think muslim and arab are not neccesarily interchangable. Am I wrong? I kept my mouth shut though. They do live in Cincinatti. It is not the cultural capitol of the world.

Man, oh man. I just keep telling myself that in four years we get...Obama...Clinton...Jackson? Yikes, we could be in real trouble here.

Life Goes On

My mind reels. I wonder why I moved here. It seems very little since I came here has gone right. I have furthered my enourmous debt. I have spent time and money on a passion, that I have recently realized is very unlikely to ever materialize into anything that pays. I have had four girlfriends, each has made me feel less and less worthy of love and companionship, not because of them, but because of what they taught me about myself.

I saw MB leave last night around ten. She said she had an audition. My stomach turned to tense knots when I realized this morning that she had never come home. I tell myself I won't ask, but I probably will.

Aside from all this, my mother called last night right about the time I had finally been able to zone out and just stare at the television as it showed the Patriots dismantling the Steelers. She says nothing new. She can't understand where my anger comes from. She goes throught the same stories, about how she was the victim in my parents divorce, about how after the divorce my father didn't do enough to encourage me to have a relationship with her, about how she can't believe I would ever think she would ever lie to me, about how she feels like she has no legacy. Why can't she just call and start new? I don't know if our realtionship will ever be rebuilt in the shadows of things we cannot agree upon.

After this I had to go to rehearsal. Something I might have dreaded, had not the day unfolded as it had. The game could no longer keep my attention, and for at least half of the two hours I didn't think about the events of the day.

On Friday afternoon I decided to take MB to see Cake. She really wanted to go, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she deserved it. She was surprised at my descion, and actually argued against it briefly. At the last possible second, she decides that she will go. So walked to the show in heavy snow. The show was amazing and I had a great time with MB. At this point I was very happy that I had chosen to go to the show. It really seemed to remind us both why we were together. We had a great tim together.
The happiness was very short lived though. I awoke on Saturday early and went to meet a friend for coffee and breakfast. Not long after I returned our fighting began to start again. We did spend a few nice hours together watching a movie she wanted to watch called Wonder Boys. It was obvious though, that the happiness that had been ours again the night before was gone once more. I had mentioned a show last month that was happening Saturday, and MB had arranged for the night off, and we had planned to go, but as the weather wore on yesterday, MB decided that it wasn't worth it for her. I was disappointed, but I relented because it was very nasty outside. Shortly after this decsion, we fought again. It was the end.
This morning she told me she couldn't trust me. She feels like I take too much, and give little in return. She said she didn't think we should see each other anymore. All this after last week telling me she had thoughts of marriage and children. I was a little shocked. For someone who claimed to love me so much, the descion seemed clear cut and unwaivering. If she truly believes what she said to me, then the causes of of arguing truly becomes evident. Without trust, relationships wither. Maybe I deserved to loose her trust. Maybe I did do something that horribly awful that she couldn't trust the man she claimed to love anymore. All I know, is that it is very hard for me to trust anyone, especially if I base it on their actions, because everyone has flaws. I do trust those that I love though, because it hurts me worse not to.

Pressure Chief
Last night I had another bad argument with MB. This one was almost entirely my fault, because it was about money, or my lack thereof recently. I was hungry so I left the apartment in a huff and headed to the closest bar for a Newcastle. When I walked in I was greeted by Captain Mogan himself and some of his sexy shipmates. They were doing some kind of cross promotion with a local radio staion. I told them that I really just came for a burger and a beer, but they made me draw a prize out of the captain's treasure chest. Of course, I won the prize that everyone else in the bar came for, a pair of passes to see Cake perform live on Friday night at Martyrs'. Not just any show either. Its an invite only deal. No tickets on sale. You gotta win them.

Now, I really like Cake. I have been a fan of Cake since my days of sneaking in right before dad got up to go to work. I can't makeup my mind to go though, cause I would have to miss my improv show at the Skybox. True, I will have two more, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, to see an awesome band in a small, intimate setting. I just can't decide though. It has become quite a conundrum for me. Either way, I think I will probably regret missing whichever show I don't go to.

It figures. This is probably the coolest thing I have ever won, and I can't go without some major feelings of guilt. Effin A!

Feeling vulnerable? I am.

Muddled Feelings

Heal Me, a Playlist for My Soul.
I discovered late Friday afternoon, that the anonymous poster to my post, Catching Up, was in fact the oft mentioned MB herself. After realizing that no one else I know uses the word 'prattle', I went to my stat counter page and saw that the post had indeed been created from her mac. I was sad and furious. There had been an agreement months ago that we both knew that the other one kept a blog, but we would not search them out, in order to preserve the other's privacy. This agreement was completly disregarded and violated.

I left work a bit early and rode home in silence on the train. I still had my walkman, and it was loaded with an excellent Xavier Rudd show, but I did not listen to it. I sat with the headphones in. My head covered with one of my skull caps that I got teaching snowbaording in NC, and my hood up from my sweatshirt. I thought of what to say to her, how to tell her I knew what she had done, how to express how violated I felt. I had no idea. I thought maybe I would think about it overnight.

She was there when I got home. Before I even got my shoes off she told me that she had something she had to tell me. I knew what was coming. Whether she was really that overcome by guilt, or she realized that I would eventually find out, she immeadiately confessed to the whole thing. She cried. I was still angry, but she used the crying weapon. I sat and thought. I comforted her a bit, as I tried to distiguish my own feelings at that moment. It is amazing that my fury was never released or displayed, yet I felt guilty while watching her cry. I think seeing a woman cry can be one of the most helpless and confusing feelings a man can have. It is a gutteral reaction that I sometimes wish I did not have.

Later that night I had my show with Charlie Don't Surf. I couldn't seem to shake that feeling of emptiness and confusion. It was like I was there, but my mind stayed at home in that chair trying to figure out how I felt. The show went well, not great, but it was definately good for our first show in a while. I had very little to do with any of the scenes, but I did have the very last line of the show. It got a few laughs, and I felt that I had contributed at the last possible chance, but at least I hadn't stood frozen the entire time. A lesson? Maybe.

BTW- I am not going to stop being open and honest about my feelings and frustrations about MB here. She has seen the results of violating our trust, and if she decides to do it again, she will probably find more things here that she doesn't really want to read. I really hope that she was truly sorry and will never read this. In any case, I am going to remain open and honest here, for myself, because that is really who I keep this journal for.

Remembering My Teen Angst

I have found something very special and unexpected here in Chicago. She is different than anyone I have dated before. She gives much in that which she chooses to give. I have grown to love her more and more each day, and yet I find myself pushing away, much as I see her doing the same.
There were a few days after I decided that I would leave before summer that we contimplated our future. I thought she might actually consider going with me. It was exciting and scary. I can see now that she hasn't considered that in a very long time. She seems to have resigned, and given in. To what exactly, I am not sure. I cannot blame her, but I want to tell her that it hurts somewhat. I don't. It is her choice. Maybe she has realized that she doesn't like me as much as she first thought. Feelings fade, but these may have just been repressed.
It is obvious that I am not completely comfortable in the new dynamic of our relationship, but I do not know what to do. I want to have the fun and laughter we shared before the end was decided, as it seems to be now. I don't want us to worry about tommorrow, cause we are here together today. I want to read this in a year and not feel sad that I really fucked this up.

John Hartford, Aereo-Plane

John Hartford is seen my many as a progressive blugrass/songwriter pioneer. I must have really had my head in the sand to be missing this guy for so long. I honestly must have heard his name a hundered times before I actually found a few of his old discs(albums when they were released) on Rhapsody. He passed away in 2001, unfortunately, so I won't be able to see him live. Looking at the list of people he has influenced though, I know I have already seen some of his great work. "Holding" was already a favorite of mine from Yonder, little did I know it was from 1971. So if you know, then give thanks; if you don't know, now you have no excuse not to learn.

Led Zep Covers...why not?
I have just recieved a complaint that I have not been nearly as intresting lately here as I used to be. Actually they used the word 'revealing' instead of 'intresting', but either way I see their point.

I have decided that I will most likely move out of Chicago once my lease is up in May(or is it April?). I feel like the reasons that brought me here are no longer as enjoyable to me as they used to be. I don't know why I use the plural of reason, because in all actuality it was only the improv that really brought me to this city. Now that I seem to have lost some of my passion for it, it no longer makes sense to put up with the filth and grime that is Chicago. I don't want to piss any residents of the windy city off, so let me clarify by saying that this is the best big city in the nation, if you like big cities. It is just that I have found out that I don not like them very much at all. I still pine for the beauty of nature and the mountains daily.

Upon mentioning this to MB, the dynamic of our relationship has changed. It seems all we can do is fight or love each other. It is very bi-polar of us. I know its scary to continue opening up to someone who is inevitably leaving, so I don't press it. For all the good times and fun we have together she still does not seem comfortable sitting in silence with me. I do enjoy most of our conversations, but when I am truly comfortable with someone it doesn't bother me at all to sit in silence with them, if i have nothing new or important to discuss. I don't know if this is something that MB can't do with anyone, or if she still is that uncomfortable sitting quitely with me. It does bother me though, so last night when she was rambling on and on while laying next to me I began to interject with totally random statements like, "I forgot how much I like peaches," and "That Obama is really handsome for a senator". Yeah, I know, I am a jackass, especially when I am tired.

Drew continues to say that he is indeed going to make the move back to the high country with me. Our idea right now is to be there in time for Summer Theatre at LMC. After summer we want to begin making handcrafted wooden furniture. I am sure this seems like quite a stretch to anyone who only knows me as a boring data entry specialist and impovistional actor, but making things with my hands has always been very satisfying for me. Drew and I also spent a small amount of time together in the scene shop back in our days at LMC, so we know we also work well together. In theory this could also allow us to work for ourselves within the next two years, and I have a feeling I would love myself as a boss.

Friends Playlist

I spent some time looking through old photos last night. It is amazing the number of truly great people that i have already come into contact with at just 25. So here is to all of my friends, old and new.
To Tony for pissing Mrs.Collins off real bad in Algebra II, to Andrew for our hike on the AT, to Brad for being my roomie on Beech, to Alyson for showing me how to let loose, to Heather for teaching me how rare true love is, to Brandy for being there longer than anyone, to Drew for being my wingman, to Leslie for being my best friend in Chicago, to Sarah for always being able to make me smile, to KtK for your genuine caring and kindness, to Thad, to Mase, to Dwyer, to Lambie, to Vogel, to Sater, to Odd Rachel, to Tim, to Genie, to Cheri, to Milli, and to everyone that has slipped my mind here.
I believe you all to be worth more than any amount of wealth this world has to offer.

Thanks again to the Rahpsody Radish for helping me to start this playlist. To view the original playlist hit up the Radish link under my music links. I also added a place to get your own Rhapsody player for the first month free. It is a must have for anyone who is as fanatical about music as I am.

Monday Sucks!

I say that we start a national petition calling for the illeagalization of any work on Mondays. Quite honestly, I believe them to be far more hazardous to my health than smoking dope or even speeding. This clearly illustrates a double standard in my opinion. Sure, there is money to be made on Mondays, and certainly our economy can use all the help it can get. But, just imagine if you got to sleep in on Monday. By Tuesday you may actually feel fully rejuvinated, not just the false sense of rejuviantion that you feel late on Sunday night. I am talking about actual restful sleep. That my friends would add more to the resurgence of the economy than some rinky dink tax cut. Maybe we should take a page out of the Hebrews' book and take an actual full day of rest. I know we have Saturday and Sunday, but let's face it, everthing you can't do M-F gets crammed into those two little days, and sometimes you end up more worn out on Sunday night than Friday night. So until a new law is actually passed, boycott Mondays!
It is just an idea.

Plenty of blues in today's playlist. Go figure.

On a personal note, we had our last full rehearsal with Charlie Don't Surf on Sunday night at my apartment. The show opens on Friday night at the Second City skybox. I am kinda excited and nervous.
I also had an awful fight with MB over a glass of apple juice yesterday. We had had a very realxing morning laying together in her bed. I woke up a little earlier than her and went back to my room to watch TV. When she came in later, she noticed a glass of apple juice on my bedside table. She told me that she did not appreciate me taking her apple juice without asking. She was pretty upset, which made me upset, cause it was just a glass of apple juice(a third of a glass to tell the truth). I told her that I thought it was ridiculous to argue over a little bit of juice, and she got even more upset, telling me it was hers, and if I am not gonna ask before I take it, then I cannot eat anymore of her food. Then she stormed out. I have a feeling it wasn't about the juice; I hope I am right..sorta.

"If you voted for Bush,
you can't shit here,
cause your asshole is in Washington."

Men's bathroom
The Hideout
1354 W Wabansia
Chicago, IL

My apologies to my conservative friends, but this had me laughing all night.

Who Doesn't Like Elvis?

In memory of the king, here is a playlist of my favorite covers of Elvis songs, songs Elvis covered, songs about Elvis, and even a few songs from the king himself.
Things remain mundane in my day to day life. I have only two rehearsals before my show with Charlie Don't Surf opens on the 14th. It runs for four fridays through February the 4th. After that point it looks like CDS may be put on hiatus, which means that these four shows will most likely be my last shows here in Chicago if I do go through with my planned move. My dad seems to think he may make it up for the last show. It is not something that I am counting on since it is such a long drive by yourself, but maybe he will work something out.
Have a great weekend. It's Elvis's birthday, what more excuse do you need to party?

Mountains!

The more I see it snow, the more I want to ride my board, or at least go sledding. There are no mountains here in the city though, so I will make do with these songs about mountains. I tried not to get too country on ya'll since the selections definately tended to lean that way, and I think I may have ended up just right.
Anyhow, not much going on here today. It took me a little longer than usual to get to work today cause the snow had the brown line creeping very slowly. I was just lucky to get a seat by the window. I watched all the poor people at the next few stops cram in until there was no more room and the people left on the platform cursed and kicked the dirty snow at their feet.

Snow Songs

Well, winter has arrived in full force here in Chicago. It has been a mild winter so far, and now it seems we are being punished. I do love the snow, but it seems a bit worhtless without even a small hill to sled down. I cooked up a nice little playlist with songs about snow. I got a little help from the Rhapsody Radish, and then I rounded out the list with some of my favorites. If you have Rhapsody, enjoy! If not, you can check out the playlist in my comments and imagine the music for yourself.
Snow days make me feel productive, strangely enough, so I think I will do some cleaning of my room when I get home from work later. It is always nice to be able to curl up under some freshly washed flannel sheets after cleaning. There is something peaceful about having everything put away and neat.

I arrived back in Chicago yesterday afternoon. It was an intresting and short trip home to say the least. After fighting through problems with my Jeep, I arrived at my dad's home in Tennessee on Friday around 10:30am. After a visit to Pal's for some cheddar rounds, Andrew and I were on our way to Asheville to see an amazing show for NYE. It was my first time at the Grey Eagle, and we were both very pleased to find out that they serve some very good burritos and other food, as well as many kinds of beer. The place was completely packed with hippies and hillbillies. I must say, if you ever get a chance to see Larry Keel, The Biscuit Burners, Sassagrass, or Acoustic Sydicate you won't be disapointed. The music started at around 8pm, and we left at about 2:15am and they were still jammin' strong. My mind was blown.
The next morning we drove back to Johnson City along the new interstate that connects the two towns. When I first lived in JC, it took at least two hours to get to Asheville, but with the new road it takes less than one hour. I dropped Andrew at his humble abode and drove on to my Dad's cabin. His sister and her husband had driven down for the weekend as well. We all sat and watched to first half of the Cotton Bowl together before I went and took a nap to try and recoup from the night before. That night I sat down to dinner with my family for the first time in over a year. We had cabbage and black eyed peas to bring us luck in the new year. I felt pretty lucky already.
On Sunday I got up and went to church with my dad, Karen, Aunt Ann, and Uncle Gary. After church we all went out to eat, and then I hit the road for Cincinatti. As I drove away from my dad's, I got a feeling I hadn't gotten in years. It was like when I used to have to leave grandma's after Christmas. I didn't want to leave, and I almost turned around to stay for just one more day.I didn't though. I cried a little as I crossed over Jellico mountain into Kentucky, and I soaked in the last view of the mountains I would have for months. It was beautiful. Then it started raining. Nice timing.
It was very nice to see MB when I got home. I missed her. I think I see now that she won't come with me when I leave this place. It hurts, but I know that it is probably right. Probably. It is a hard thing to think of.